FOOD & STUFF
THE SIGN IS WRONG. WE NEVER CLOSED. FLIP IT.
you came for food. leave with a house.
EST. 2021 · FAMILY OWNED · TWO (2) FAMILY MEMBERS
★★★★★ 1 review (“it's fine” — Malu)
HOURS
BANGALORE · CHENNAI
TAKE A NUMBER
Good mornings shipped to date: 1,777. Never once late.
Aisle 1
(the part of the name that made sense)
IN STOCK, ALWAYS
Contains tomato, cream, and the correct amount of cheese, which is more than you think. Portion size determined by her, not by us. Non-negotiable.
IN STOCK
Comes with the understanding that whoever gets the good piece of meat gives it to the other person. This has happened 1,777 times. It has never once been discussed.
IN STOCK
Cauliflower, technically. Nobody has ever ordered this for the cauliflower. We are not going to be the first to bring it up.
IN STOCK
Named for reasons nobody agrees on. Sixty-five ingredients, sixty-five chillies, sixty-five days — the internet has theories. She has never once asked. She just orders it.
IN STOCK
She has an entirely different register for this kind of restaurant. Sits differently. Orders differently. It is a privilege to be at that table.
IN STOCK
Refined palate. Expensive palate. We support this and we have adjusted the budget accordingly.
IN STOCK, RESTOCKED HOURLY
The food equivalent of being told everything is going to be okay. Available on bad days at no additional cost.
IN STOCK — goes first, always
Ordered generously. Finished entirely. By the time the mains arrive nobody is hungry and nobody regrets a thing. We have stopped pretending this is a mistake.
COOKED TO ORDER · ONE (1) CUSTOMER
Every course, from scratch, cooked on every single visit and properly on birthdays. House rules apply: chef cooks, customer sits on the counter, supervises, and steals things out of pans. The kitchen gets steamy. The stove is only partly responsible.
ASK THE CHEF
Not listed. Not photographed. Served after the plates are cleared and the counter is free. Regulars only — and there is exactly one regular.
SOLD OUT — you already ate them
All food priced at ₹0.00 because I've never once let her pay and I'm not starting now.
Aisle 2
(her idea, and honestly the better half of the business)
“we sell food. but also just... stuff. like, hey, you came for food, but here's a tape. or a car. or a house. take it with you.”
0/19 priced — click a shelf item to tag it
Aisle 3 · shipping department · night shift
all deliveries on this route run overnight
TRACKING #20210923
Not currently tracking.
Red and black Kiger. Six hours. Usually overnight.
| Good morning texts | IN STOCK — shipped daily, never late |
|---|---|
| Voice notes over 4 minutes | OVERSTOCKED |
| Patience | LOW STOCK |
| Excuses to call you | INFINITE |
| The sound of you in the next room | OUT OF STOCK |
| The drive back on my own | IN STOCK. UNFORTUNATELY. |
| Getting there without checking the mirror twice | LOW STOCK |
| Sharing one plate | TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE |
| Somebody on the counter while I cook | RESTOCKED EVERY VISIT |
| Wanting to | IN STOCK. ALWAYS IN STOCK. NEVER ONCE OUT. |
We were mail-order before we were ever a walk-in store. This is the second time. I want it on the record that we already know how to do this, and that I would still rather not.
keeps indefinitely
best before: the day we're in the same city
open the door · wipe the glass · it fogs back up · everything keeps
Nothing in this section has expired. We check every day. The door seals well — everything inside is exactly as fresh as the day we put it in.
employee of the month, every month
Co-Founder, Head of Ideas, Head of Stuff
“what if we just call it food and stuff”
Co-Founder, Head of Reaching Things On High Shelves
“okay but hear me out, what if I actually built it”
SEVEN INCHES.
THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY KILOMETRES.
One of these I can fix by standing closer.
STORE STATS
LOYALTY CARD · press a stamp
ONE (1) FREE FOREVER WITH PURCHASE OF FOUR (4) YEARS.
CARD COMPLETE. REDEEMED.
STOCKTAKE
0/7
Seven things in this shop are not where you'd expect. Nothing here is required.
confidential · do not forward · please forward
SLIDE 1
You want food. You also want stuff. Currently these require two (2) separate stores. Unacceptable.
SLIDE 2
Food. And stuff. Same store. Same building. Possibly the same shelf.
SLIDE 3
Total addressable market: everyone who eats (large) plus everyone who owns objects (also large). Overlap: significant. Research budget: ₹0. Confidence: total.
SLIDE 4
Nobody else has Malu. This is not replicable. This is not fundable. We are not seeking funding. We are seeking a lease and a shelf and about forty years.
SLIDE 5
We've talked about starting something together for a few years now. Restaurants, cafés, apps, “something, we'll figure it out,” usually somewhere past midnight, usually when one of us should have been asleep.
This one cost a domain and a couple of weekends.
But I want you to know I wasn't joking about the part where we build something. I've never once been joking about that part.
Prepared over 4 years. Reviewed by nobody. Approved unanimously.
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